...I can look at it this way. He loves me, he wants a future with me, a life that isn't motivated by obligation, a love that neither of us will take for granted after making a promise to stay together forever and ever amen. If he wanted to walk away from me he could have do so, very easily. But he is still there, sometimes when I wake up, sometimes before I go to bed. Everyday he is there, for every neurotic episode he is there, for every small victory is there, I tell him the most trivial things about my day and he drinks it in like water, his cellphone runs out of money when I'm out for the night. Everyday he leaves to go to work, everyday I leave to go to university or to a gig or to go out to drink with friends. But everyday he comes back, and I come back.

I am sad because I may never get to wear a white wedding dress and walk down on an aisle strewn with pink rose petals, placed there by little girls in cupcake white dresses. But what is marriage anyway? To me it is the ultimate commitment, to him it is the worst thing you can do to the woman you love. I am trying to understand him. Objectively I can see where he is coming from. Sometimes, I think I just want to wear the white dress.

Why get married? I want to promise that I will go through the hellfires of domestic life and back for him. I think that, if he loves me, he will make that same promise. But isn't that what we are doing now? Making promises through our vocal chords with the wind. I want security, every woman does. But even if we make that same promise in front of a judge, he can still walk away if he really wanted to. And I can easily do the same to him.

I can't tell the future and neither can he. All I have to go on is the now and the reality I see. Everything's been consistent so far. When I get afraid, he dispels my fear of abandonment by showing up or calling me long distance to remind me that he loves me. I am not sorry for my fears but I am sorry they made him think that he's not doing enough. I am sorry that sometimes, I get too caught up in my worries to see what he does for me now, what he will do for me in a few months' time. I am sorry I made him sad tonight.

He loves me. Everything he does, he does out of his own free will. Not because some contract told him to. I need to remember that.